Better then worse

Instead of looking at the hurt you are in think about what you could use this hurt to make something better.

Better is a weird word to me. Like it’s like a middle word you can be better emotionally then yesterday but you can also be at the same time physically worse. You can have a better day then that day your best friend died. Better is confusing.

It can mean you are ok, it can mean you are horrible, it can mean you are at a loss but that your pushing forward l. It can mean you feel like giving up but that you aren’t gonna be worse. Things could also always get better. And that’s what you do.

Yesterday’s problems didn’t go away overnight. But they also didn’t kill you so maybe that’s better. You woke up today. You breathed.

When people sometimes tell me how much better I’m doing I feel like I need to explain myself. And I shouldn’t have to. I do through.

Because I am doing better but I spend hours a day making sure I stay that way. It’s work to be better for me. Yo stay alive, you have to look at things slightly different. I take medicine that if I forget to take will make me not better anymore. A feeding tube set up to late can make things not better.

If I do to much in one day I’m not gonna be better. If I forget to eat what I can eat I not gonna be better anymore.

Being better takes work and thoughts and that’s a good thing in ways because when the better does happen you love it even more. Because you know better can leave you at any given moment.

I don’t take baths daily so I can stay better. I don’t eat to much so I can stay better. I take my time walking. So I can stay better. I listen to my body so I can stay better. I pray to God so I can stay better. I find joy so I can stay better. I laugh so I can stay better.

Being better doesn’t mean I can go outside on a five mile walk. Being better doesn’t mean I can go and get a job. Being better doesn’t mean I can stop my feeding tube. Being better doesn’t mean I can stop taking IV Benadryl. Being better doesn’t mean that I won’t have a seizure. Being better doesn’t mean I can stop praying to God. Being better doesn’t mean I can stand for more then ten minutes. Being better doesn’t mean I don’t need my VNS.

I’m better because I have a feeding tube a VNS a pic line a wonderful family beautifully fabulous friends! A fantastic church. And an amazing God.

I’m better but I still went to bed at 8 o’clock last night because I went to church and it wore me out. I still wake up in anaphylactic shock. I still get scared.

I might be better but remember what your comparing to the worst days of my body killing me. So yes I’m better. I’m glad I am. But I’m still getting worse but I’m better then I was when I was in a medically induced coma. Because the problems I had then are the same ones now I’m just able to now be controlled better because of all the surgery’s tubes and lines and medicines.

God blessed me with better! God blessed me with worse too! He made my bad days and my good days and I’m grateful that my bad days make my good days feel so much more lovely! I’m grateful I’ve been horrible!! It makes the simple happiness so much more meaningful!!

Shayweasel is better then she was on life support in a medically induced coma!

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