I enjoy answering questions and I don’t mind explaining my diseases and life to people. But the other day I spoke to a group of people. And it didn’t go good.

Ironically as I was telling them about the effects on my body, my brain went into it’s I don’t know what we are doing mode and I couldn’t think and couldn’t figure out what I was saying. it’s like trying to figure out a movie that you haven’t seen before and you come in with ten minutes left. You get what there doing then but have no clue what they did.

Whenever this kind of thing happens, I feel embarrassed and sadden by the reminder that even if I do everything right I still have a damaged brain, still have epilepsy. I still had a stroke.

The emotions I feel afterwards are almost always in someways overwhelmed. I don’t want people to see me as just a sick person. So when this happens that’s what I feel like comes across. But in the same moment I can’t leave my diseases somewhere so yes I’m sick but I’m also really weird movie and tv show buff and reader I also spend more time laughing then anything else.

The way I have learned to deal with these feelings is letting the feels being felt and pray.

God blessed me with a clear brain sometimes but he also blessed me with foggy confusing days. He had control even through I never will.

The Lord has a wonderfully fantastic way of making you feel safe if you let Him.

I also have to remind myself the Devil doesn’t like when someone talks about God or does something good in the name of the Lord. He wants to break you so you never want to do it again.

And part of me wants that. To never speak or never write or never talk anymore. I know that I can’t give into that feeling. The pressure you feel after doing something that fails is hard. But my rewards aren’t on earth.

When I feel this way I go and find a safe place my safe place is the Lord.

When you fail, when you fall down the Lord is there. There is a song by Twila Paris (yes that’s her real name.) that has the lyrics

“They don’t know that 
I go running home when I fall down
They don’t know Who picks me 
Up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
‘Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child.”

That song is one of my moms favorite songs and I have always loved it but I love to hear her sing it more!

I say all this to say failure isn’t always failure. I feel as if I failed or just didn’t do why I meant to do while speaking, but maybe it’s not a failure in Gods eyes.

I know that I go running home when I fall down

I know who picks me up when no one is around.

I drop my sword and cry for just a while because deep inside this armor the warrior is a child.

So with my child like faith I will run to the arms of the Lord.

Shayweasel is picked up by the Lord!

The lyrics to this song –