I’m very sick at the moment, and no I am not writing this from a hospital bed, I’m writing this from my bed which I have left five times today. I am weak, my body is failing me and I am trying my best to show my body that I am willing to fight the rest of my life to live.. My body doesn’t care it’s still failing. But I am still fighting it.
But that this isn’t what this post is about, I feel like I want to explain something. I am going to have a steady decline in my health for the rest of my life, I hope to slow the decline down some, but it will be an uphill battle from here on.
Growing up, I loved to ride my bike I still do, even though I haven’t been on a bike since this summer but that’s beside the point. When we use to go on bike rides the uphill part never bothered me, I always enjoyed it. Why? Because it was hard and I pushed and sometimes I had to get off my bike and push my bike because I couldn’t pled but I always liked going up the hill. I wouldn’t care if I went fast I just enjoyed it.
BUT.. going downhill scared me, I always worried about going out of control and falling. When I was four years old I have this memory of going to the gas station and it was uphill there and downhill on the way back. And on our way there I was having so much fun and on the way back.. My papa carried my little bike with one hand and held my hand with the other hand. I needed help going downhill but when I went up the hill I was strong. I felt brave and I felt like I could do it.
In life when you feel out of control is when you get scared and I am so out of control right now but I have control over somethings and they may not be the things I want to have control over but they are the things I can have control over.
I will not change my life. I am sick, I am weak, I am having a lot more bad pain days and a lot more of unable to do things I use to do…
I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life. I am enjoying my life more than I ever have. I am laughing more. I have the BEST people I have ever had in my whole life. I have the most amazing friends!! I have never had friends as good as this before!! My friends text me at two am and they laugh at what I laugh at. We can talk about things I never felt comfortable talking with to my “healthy” friends because they never wanted to listen…. I’m so happy to have the people I have in my life.
I am the most unhealthy I have ever been. My health is so bad right now but My spirit is very good. I am so happy right now, and it’s all because I choose to be. I choose to put myself out there a year ago. I decided that I wasn’t going to let anyone tell me that I shouldn’t talk about my health. And by talking about my health. My life has changed in every way, and all of them are good. I was born with these diseases, and i think I was born to have them.
By having theses diseases I have been so blessed that I’m not suffering from them, if anything I think these diseases are suffering from me!!! I mean seriously they are know who they are messing with and they are putting up a battle..
I want people to know I struggle every day, all day long sometimes but it doesn’t mean I’m not happy. It doesn’t mean I don’t laugh. But just because you see me laughing doesn’t mean I’m not in horrid pain. I can smile through pain and I’ve learned in my 23 years to smile when you are going up hill, because I am just going up hill…. Life is hard but smiling and being happy is a choice… And choose it.. Even when its hard to find happiness you just have to find happiness in the uphill life..