family

I hope your not the first in line

/ Shannon DeRose / Leave a comment

You don’t want to go to the ER in general. You don’t want to be here. But somehow you ended up here.

There are a bunch of people in the waiting room. All waiting for help. I’m just the one sitting off to the side.

An elderly lady checks in and sits in the waiting room chair. And within five minutes she’s taken back. And sadly I know a lot abii ok it that.

I almost feel guilty that I’m so glad I’m not the first in line. I’m glad I’m just here for something simple. Here for something fast. I’m so glad they know how to act so fast.

When your the first in line. In the er it doesn’t mean they like you more. It’s not a privilege to go that fast. It’s a burden and a scary act.

It means your not doing good. That somethings really wrong it means that you need help bad. Right now. I’m not the first in line because I’m not doing bad.

I’ve been brought into the ER like that. I’ve seen them work real fast. I’ve been scared and quiet. Praying for this to be all right.

So go that little old lady I pray whoever brought you is fixed or at least they help you some how.

You might never get better or maybe it’s not like that. I just hope you don’t feel bad. That you went back before everyone else has.

And to the other people the one who has been mean. The ones who see this and almost show jealous I hope they find out why they should be glad. That they aren’t the first in line.

Shayweasel is glad to not be first

Not Failing.. Anyone

/ Shannon DeRose / Leave a comment

 I haven’t been failing my body but I feel like I haven’t been giving it everything I got after I woke up from the coma i felt like my body betrayed me because well it did. It totally turned against me and was like FU Shay who cares what you want. And I just felt like I wanted to turn against my body and not help it with everything it wanted. But this past few weeks I am having to learn to live this different life and get back into the normal habits of living a day to day life and I think I am just jealous of my old body which was horridly not working but it was controllable my body right now is in this like wild weirdo phase and is like I want to have a seizure for no reason and yay anaphylaxis is fun.

FullSizeRender_1

  So my body is failing me like I have said so many times before but that feeling of a failing body is not one I like I get annoyed that it’s not doing everything i need and want it to do. i want to be able to breath and walk alone. I want to be able to eat food and drink things. I want to be able to not worry about having seizures or passing out but i have to worry about that and I do not get a break but that’s okay and I’m working hard to learn that.

FullSizeRender_2

   I am trying to learn that it is okay to live inside a failing body till the end of my body but I am living with my body and we need to work together to be alive but right now I just feel like it wants to do whatever it wants to do. And that’s been hard for me to accept.

   So this morning I made up my mind that this is my failing body no one else can live inside my failing body. I have a chance to show myself that I am strong enough to live inside my body even when I don’t feel like it.  

FullSizeRender_4

   I got my spoonie friends, I got my fight song T-Shirt and I gotta show myself that I am willingly to fight like hell to survive and to do well in this world just because my body and mind and world can fail me at times I do not need to fail myself.

  Stephanie hasn’t failed me once and Nick hasn’t failed me once, my family isn’t failing me my friends aren’t failing me so therefore I have to fight and I have to not fail them and I think I have been failing them lately. By failing myself.

  I think when you fail yourself you fail the people around you. And Stephanie and Nick they have been here for me and with me and they haven’t done anything for me to fail them so I need to stand strong because this is just my failing body so I need to work hard to not fail it.

  I am not by any means saying this is gonna be easy to live with my failing body but I’m saying that I am gonna fight and I am going to live….

FullSizeRender_4

  That is all that is really asked of me is to live, live inside a failing body that has overcome so much already, but it’s not about what I do it’s about how I do it.

  I am strong, I am brave but most of all I am a fighter and I am a fighter because of the amazing people who helped me be a fighter. I am a fighter because of Stephie, Nick, my papa, Vana, My mom, Sammiy, Sean, Aunt Helen, Macy, Dara, Rachel, Matt, Josh, My friends, My family they make me stronger. 

FullSizeRender_3

  I guess what I am trying to say is that I won’t fail my body because I have too many people who helped my body live this long so if I fail myself and my body then I fail them….
Shayweaselish..