I haven’t been failing my body but I feel like I haven’t been giving it everything I got after I woke up from the coma i felt like my body betrayed me because well it did. It totally turned against me and was like FU Shay who cares what you want. And I just felt like I wanted to turn against my body and not help it with everything it wanted. But this past few weeks I am having to learn to live this different life and get back into the normal habits of living a day to day life and I think I am just jealous of my old body which was horridly not working but it was controllable my body right now is in this like wild weirdo phase and is like I want to have a seizure for no reason and yay anaphylaxis is fun.
So my body is failing me like I have said so many times before but that feeling of a failing body is not one I like I get annoyed that it’s not doing everything i need and want it to do. i want to be able to breath and walk alone. I want to be able to eat food and drink things. I want to be able to not worry about having seizures or passing out but i have to worry about that and I do not get a break but that’s okay and I’m working hard to learn that.
I am trying to learn that it is okay to live inside a failing body till the end of my body but I am living with my body and we need to work together to be alive but right now I just feel like it wants to do whatever it wants to do. And that’s been hard for me to accept.
So this morning I made up my mind that this is my failing body no one else can live inside my failing body. I have a chance to show myself that I am strong enough to live inside my body even when I don’t feel like it.
I got my spoonie friends, I got my fight song T-Shirt and I gotta show myself that I am willingly to fight like hell to survive and to do well in this world just because my body and mind and world can fail me at times I do not need to fail myself.
Stephanie hasn’t failed me once and Nick hasn’t failed me once, my family isn’t failing me my friends aren’t failing me so therefore I have to fight and I have to not fail them and I think I have been failing them lately. By failing myself.
I think when you fail yourself you fail the people around you. And Stephanie and Nick they have been here for me and with me and they haven’t done anything for me to fail them so I need to stand strong because this is just my failing body so I need to work hard to not fail it.
I am not by any means saying this is gonna be easy to live with my failing body but I’m saying that I am gonna fight and I am going to live….
That is all that is really asked of me is to live, live inside a failing body that has overcome so much already, but it’s not about what I do it’s about how I do it.
I am strong, I am brave but most of all I am a fighter and I am a fighter because of the amazing people who helped me be a fighter. I am a fighter because of Stephie, Nick, my papa, Vana, My mom, Sammiy, Sean, Aunt Helen, Macy, Dara, Rachel, Matt, Josh, My friends, My family they make me stronger.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I won’t fail my body because I have too many people who helped my body live this long so if I fail myself and my body then I fail them….