Better.. Well.. All In..

I have a hard time when people say “Get Well” “Get Better Soon” things like that because I don’t know what well is or even better, I don’t even know which I like better I don’t know how to take those phases because like get better… What kind of better.. I mean right now I am better than I was in July when I was almost dead, I’m better than being in a coma, but I am not better than I was a year ago, and I haven’t gotten well but I feel well mentally, I am a happy person most of the time but I’m not better I’m not well, I am sick, I have illnesses.


   So when people tell me these things like that I don’t know how to react. I feel like I smile and nod a lot when people tell me these things but I think it’s mainly because in our society we want people to be healthy, but what is healthy?

  This is what I was thinking about last night, if I was per-say “healthy” right now I don’t think my life besides the doctor appointments would be that different, I think I would be living with my sister Stephie I might work at a daycare and I might eat more cookie dough and I most likely would go to the movies more, but is that really better? Is that a better life? Or just different. I see it as different.

  I know my papa might not see it this way but I think the best thing that ever happened to our family was when my papa almost past away a few years ago when he was bleeding into his lung, yes it was scary but afterwards we all came together, I think our family became insanely close because of it. We were always close but we became closer.

   I don’t think Rory would have been born when she was. Sean might not have moved back to North Carolina and Matt and Sam might not have adopted or gotten Carson as soon as they have. Josh and Vana might not have as strong a relationship as they do. Things would be different. I don’t think life is worse in any way but just different.

 My papa’s body going into shock as I watched him fall to the sofa covered in his own bloody vomit was a scary horrid moment but it wasn’t bad. Things like that happen for reasons and I see no use in trying to act like they don’t happen. I want to find the reason they happen and keep going. Find ways to live in the different.

  This past two years alone have changed me. I have had two surgeries and I have spent over a month in the hospital over time, I have had more doctors appointments then anything. I have had rabies shots, I was bit by a bat to get that. I have been to countless ER trips. I lost my grandma I lost my best friend and service dog Beng and I have been in a few comas and I have seen my family break and rebuild. I have seen pain and had pain but it’s okay.

  I see all of this as an okay thing. Yes I miss my grandma so very much but it was okay, I miss Beng but its okay. It showed me something things don’t happen without reason or I beleive they don’t.

  I wouldn’t be able to get through all this if I hadn’t gone through all that I have gone through. I know better is a relative term but to me life is better than it was, my health is not better but I am a better person. I am more caring. I am more who I want to be. But I am growing still…

  So I guess yes I am better, Yes I am well but health wise I am in pain and my body is failing me horridly but I am loving who I am becoming…

Shayweaseling it….

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