Spiritually – it takes a lot to look this good
So why am I writing all this? What made me want to explain all this?
When I show up at church, a bible study, an event, a party, the store, the car even it’s easy to think I’m doing great! I showed up! I look good! I’m smiling! It’s easy to see that.
But I’d like to remind you that it took a lot to look this good. It took a lot to show up. It took a lot to smile! I work all the time on looking this good! It’s the hardest part of being sick is the emotional, mental, spiritual side. It’s hard being sick but it’s harder to stay in a good place emotionally and mentally and spiritually.
Every day there is something to think about the burden of being sick and being unable to live a life like other people is overwhelming sometimes. But the life God has given me to live has been different, yes but it’s also amazing and beautiful!
But always overwhelming if I don’t trust the Lord fully.
There is so much to think about. If I’m going somewhere I know there will be a meal or just food. I have to think about what they are eating if they are eating something like seafood, popcorn and more I can’t be in the room with those foods without having an allergic reaction.
I could die from anaphylactic shock from someone else eating a food that I smelled. That’s all it could take. So I can’t throw caution to the wind because it could kill me.
If there are flashing lights they could set off a seizure.
When I go into a room emotionally I get nervous. Say I walk into the church there are people sitting down others talking to people some moving to their seats, some getting things ready for the service, I walk in and see confusion, unsure of how I should react or what I should do. I just need to get to my seat, but where to sit I don’t want to be in the way. I don’t want to steal someone’s seat, or be rude to anyone, I’m overthinking this some would say but I’m not overthinking it.
No, I’m in need of rules. I know it might sound silly to you but my brain can’t ignore the people talking, the movement it can’t ignore how everyone else seems to know what to do seems to know how to act. I want a rule. How do I just get to my seat where do I seat how do I act? What do I do? What do I say? My brain doesn’t answer those questions. Because there really aren’t any.
But I’ve learned. I keep learning the answers that everyone else seems to already know!
If I forget to take a med, if I forget to ask what food we are having, if I forget to ask what the party will be like to make sure I can come, if I forget to do the many things I do daily to keep myself alive, it could hurt not just me but my parents my siblings my family my friends my church all because I forgot to do something that pressure can be unruly and horrifying!
That pressure isn’t as bad when I put things in Gods hands. I fail at doing that sometimes. Well a lot of times. We all do.
I have learned to pray all the time without seizing sometimes I have seizures while praying but I can’t control that one!
I don’t have a job per say but I do work hard to keep myself alive and to encourage others. It’s a priority for myself daily. To encourage everyone.
So how do I stay mentally emotionally and spiritually healthy?!?! Mainly prayer, being honest with my family and friends and my doctors. And above all being honest with the Lord!
One of my favorite verses in the Bible is in Ezekiel the way I always took the verse was that even if your in a fire, if you get out another fire, will be waiting and as long as I keep knowing the Lord is God that I might burn during my life but the Lord will always be with me. And for some reason, I always found comfort in that! I found comfort in knowing the Lord was with me. No matter how much I have happen. He will be with me. That God might make my life a “persay” living hell but that my death won’t be a living hell no my death will be lived in heaven! And that is truly amazing! So if God wants me to be burned. I’ll be burned.
Other ways that help me look this good mentally and emotionally have been Watching tv! I do better when the TV is on! For a lot of reasons. One is I like having a continuous controlled stimulation so basically, I need background noise. two is it makes me feel less pressured when talking to people because we have something to look at if I can’t think right to talk I can look at the tv till I can think or remember what I was saying or what they were saying. But mainly I love TV it’s amazing and funny! I find tv shows that I watch with both my parents, and I have tv shows I watch with my papa (normally supernatural type shows or really weird dark type of tv shows.) and tv shows I watch with my mom (normally “girly” tv shows or historical type or really “hallmark-ie” tv shows.)
I have tv shows and movies and music I talk about with each of my friends! My friend Jazzy loves The Walking Dead as much as I do! We watch it and then talk about it!! Same with a lot of movies and music we both like! In a lot of ways, that’s what made us close friends! When your watch or talk about a tv show with someone miles away and text each other about it it makes you feel less alone! It’s simple lovingly wonderful!
My parents and I watch movies and listen to music together! We’ve watched so many tv series all the way through!
I love crocheting and making arts and crafts! And I love reading books!
I love talking to my friends! I’m blessed to have friends all over the world! Some I’ve met because of my diseases some I’ve met other ways!
I might be sick but I’m blessed. Being sick has been the weirdest gift Gods given me.
It takes a lot to look this good!
As I age like everyone your walk with God changes, for me my walk changed a lot in the past couple of years. After I had a stroke in 2015 reading became something hard. The past two years I’ve come along with reading but I still struggle. I started reading on my kindle a little bit of go because I could click on a word and see what it meant if I couldn’t remember. Not Remembering words is a side effect of the stroke and the seizures I will have long term. I know the word I see the word but I can’t figure it out. My kindle has been increasing my walk with God in a beautiful way!
I use my kindle like my bible and I write notes in my bible on my kindle like you might do in yours. And this way no one has to see my horrid handwriting. I’ve have had such nerves and worries about going not feeling like I’m doing enough for the Lord because of it.
I’m ok with it taking a lot to look this good! Because I am alive. And not just alive, I’m alive in Christ! I’m alive because of Christ and I’m alive for Christ. I look this good because of Christ! Oh my soul!
But I want to point out I am grateful to take the pain the effort it takes a lot to look this good and it’s worth it. It’s worth it. Because I get to live. I get to be alive! Every day is a blessing! So give me 12-18 hours of being hooked up to a feeding tube pump and feeds. Give me the saline and Benadryl through my permanent￼ IV every few hours! Give me the pills the medicines I have to take! Give me the central lines in my chest, the two feeding tubes in my stomach, the VNS in my chest, give me the scars that cover my body and my soul! Give me the emotional pain, give me the love that has tried to break me, give me the hate, give me the money problems, give me the stupid pharmacies who can’t ever get my meds right, give me the craziness, give me the personality problems I can’t change, give me it all. Because I’m alive and God apparently thinks that if I can do anything if I give my all to Him! So I will, I will fail sometimes but I will never stop loving the Lord giving myself to him.
It takes a lot to look this good but the effort isn’t in vain. The effort is because of The Lord!
Shayweasel is looking good…