The other day at a wedding to photographers stood in the front of the church taking photos as the guest walked in.
Myself and my parents sat down and waited for the other guest to arrive. As the photographers took each photo the camera flash went off.
Each flash made me feel strange. My emotions went from peace calm and happiness for the bride and groom turned into something else entirely.
The peace was replaced by annoyance. The Calm was replaced by fear The happiness was replace sadnesss.
Because as each flash went off my brain went into small “barely” noticeable seizures. As my VNS (the thing in my chest that goes into my brain and also my heart went off over and over again. My body as reacting the each seizure by instead of what most people think of seizures with weird shaky movements or ticks. I was reacting what seemed emotionally. But wasn’t. I couldn’t put a stop to it. I couldn’t even try. I was… useless to each seizure.
My papa walked with me back to a Sunday school room that I stayed in till the reception.
Seizures are scary. It’s simple flashes of lights that can set them off. Simple stresses can set them off. So many small things can send my brain into overdrive causing seizures.
I’m grateful for my VNS without it, that first few times that flash from the camera went off I would have had a seizure that was uncontrollable, and it would have been a horrid seizure. Lasting minutes even hours.
The VNS calms it down. It doesn’t always stop the seizure fully. But each time I swipe my magnet over my VNS in my chest (which is what I or someone else does when I’m either having a seizure or seem like I’m gonna have to maybe have one. The VNS also has a plus that goes off every 90 seconds to help keep seizures at bay.) I try and think each time I do it that it use to be 10 times worse. That it’s not that I’m not bad right now. It’s that I’ve been worse.
Seizures are weird, scary and have almost killed me. I’ve been in 5 medical induced comas due to going into status Epilepticus, (which is seizures that are non stop or seizures that as back to back or the person doesn’t recover between them.)
I’ve had seizures last for 7 and 1/2 hours. So when I do have seizures small ones or big ones I remind myself not only could they be worse but even if they do get worse if I survived seizing for 7 and 1/2 hours I can hopefully survive again.
The way seizures are a totally completely uncontrollable thing. When I have a seizure there is nothing I can do. Seizures have definitely put my faith in God to the test and still testing even today. Learning to be not in control is hard.
But I’m not in control of everything no one is. I can only control my reactions to it. My reaction should be the rely on The Lord but I fail. I fail in all kinds of ways, everyday, every hour and down to the minutes sometimes seconds.
It’s my reactions to even failing to rely on the Lord. How I react to the failure of relying on God should be to rely on Him even more. Learning the that is hard. But I’m thankful for the very fact that the Lord doesn’t give up on his children!
For I am to rely on the only One who controls everything! The Lord God all mighty is who I put my trust, my faith, my love, my everything.
When you fail God is always going to be There to help. Let Him Help. He loves you. and it’s amazing..
If the Lord wants to seize my days away then I will give my trust faith my everything to Him. He can seize my days everyday. He is my everything.
Shayweasel is amazed by the everlasting God!