When you walk into a dark room and a girl who is your friend or that’s what you think comes over to you and pushes you back and you fall down and hit your head. Wake up tied to a bed and then things went from there.
I don’t think I choose a good friend to hang out. But sadly my college was horrible to me. I was going to a small baptist college and they didn’t accept me but that’s another blog post.
This was the first time I was raped. A girl. She was a women. And she raped me but I kept thinking because of the world I grew up in that women don’t rape women. But anyone can rape anyone. And because I was weak. Because I was sick. Because I was innocence some of which or well a lot of it came from the fact that I am autistic.
This was not something no one could tell me how to feel.
My body was broken on the inside and on the outside. I thought friends were suppose to be nice. Suppose to love me and care for me. Not try and control me. Not try and sexually take advantage of me. Not try and kill me? But I was to scared for police for anything
I’m stronger then her now. I haven’t seen her. I will never see her again if I have my way. I pray that she never hurts anyone else like she did me.
But I’m not scared anymore. I got a group backing me up now. My walls around my world the one I let people into are carefully moinioted by me. No. not anyone else. Because you see I’m a bad ass who isn’t letting anyone be mean. If you want to be mean i will pull my phone out and call someone. I’m not scared anymore of it.
I don’t think I would have ever ended up in a psych hospital, or been raped by three different people. I blamed myself because who gets raped three times in one year?! Someone who is scared. Someone who doesn’t handle people well. An easy target who walks the same way at the same time every night. Someone who isn’t physically strong enough to fight other humans off. Someone who is me. Me.
Imagine being scared of making friends all your life and not being great at talking to people all the sudden trust was something I couldn’t do. I can’t trust anyone everyone will hurt me.
It took me about 11 months to come to myself and go. Ok I’m not to blame. I was taken Advantage of.
Fall of 2013 was the fresh start I didn’t have and I was slow to speak about it. But I was even slower to talk to people. To make friends. I was healing from friendship abuse. I was controlled. I was recovering from my failing friends. My best friends were JoJo who at that moment was working in China. AnnaJoh was working at a camp across the USA. And I was alone but I wasn’t. They both checked in on me. Even when I didn’t write backcthey didn’t get mad.
My first true friendship after this was Macy. Macy has rare diseases. She lives in this world with me. And I opened the small gate hidden in my walls around my World and I let her in. Slowly more came Dara, Jazzy, Cheyanne, Josephine… spoonies like me but more so humans like me. They like me for me.
The walls are still up but my world is bigger. I go outside my walls sometimes but when I do. I have a gang of 20+ people behind me ready to battle with.
Being taken advantage of sexually is hard to handle. Being taken advantage of with friendships. With people who try to kill you. With a world of horror of fear. That is were things collapse. But you can rebuild. Just like a lung that collapses you can reinflate it. You can.