This post is personal, raw and not very uncut. It also can trigger some bad memories for some. Just so you know.
No one wants to talk about rape, no one wants to think it can happen to them. And I didn’t think it was gonna happen to me. But it did.
At 20 years old I walked the same place at the same place everyday. That’s where my autism comes into play. Every night at 1 am I would take a walk before I laid down. I lived in Va beach at the time. The walk was always nice and made me happy. One nigh as I walked my normal walk I was pulled into brushes and dragged down another raped by two men.
I was able to get away but screamed and then went inside my house.
I didn’t go to the police. I was scared. I didn’t let people in my world. I had a small world. This world was mine. And someone had broken my wall.
My body was not one to be touched by most people. And I couldn’t rebuild.
I didn’t really tell anyone what happened. Because I didn’t know what to say. I texted my sister. Who texts someone and says they are raped?
I ended up going to the police a few days later. Things never went the way I wanted them to. But I learned to cope.
I end up getting depressed, I’ve never handled my emotions well but I was all the sudden handling something I never knew I would. Being kissed, having sex focusably was not what I wanted. I was already sick inside my body my diseases that had pleg my stomach, my brain, my joints and the rest of my failing body. But at that moment I failed my body. I failed my brain. I stop having emotions I didn’t want to handle it.
Autism took over. And that’s when 2013 came in to play for over six months ididnt want to breath. But the summer of 2013 I decided that I loved myself and I loved my emotions and I loved my diseases and I loved my autism. I loved my mind. I loved my brain. And I wouldn’t give up on them because I was not going to stop fighting my failing body. My life could fail me but I had to live. I had to keep going
You see autism makes me think slightly sometimes fully different. I hate being touched. It scared me. It’s a sensory overload most of the time. Unless I trust and fully am ok with the person. But that night on my walk when I was pulled into brushes and was raped by two men. I didn’t know them. I didn’t trust them. I didn’t want them.
Sensory overload was scary hurtful and weird. I didn’t know what to do.
So I didn’t do anything at first.
I went to the police a while later…. but not right away. I was in an emotional shut down mode.
This is what happens when someone who is autistic is raped. The toll it takes is a different kind of horrid. Never let yourself feel like rape is your fault. It ain’t your fault.
Being taken advantage of sexually is hard but when one simple touch hurts you to the core then it’s like I was handed a lemon and told to eat it. If nothing else I am just straight lemon juice now…
this is a part of my blog series Got Advantage? Or Taken Advantage of?