Error… In 2016 I have had over 31 x-rays, 15 CT scans, 8 MRIs, been put under sedation 9 times, I’ve had two surgeries, I’ve had two failed midlines, I’ve had over 30 failed IVs, I’ve had more blood draws then I could count and I’ve had three central lines and my picc line in my right arm is the really the only reason I am alive.. I’m telling you this because I want you to know something… Life is confusing..
For the past few weeks I’ve gone over in my head of why I am still alive, my cousin Trevor we had a weird relationship mainly because we both didn’t always fit in when we walked in a room, Trevor past away and it was shock to everyone, no one really knows how to feel. But I felt weird, I couldn’t go down for the funeral in Texas and this is the first time I have ever missed a funeral, I am sorta the funeral person, I have been to over 300 funerals in my 23 years, I have had people die all around me since I was a young child. My papa being a pastor I started going to funerals young.
But Trevor the weirdo who I could talk to about Pokemon and video games for hours and who made me watch toy story so many times that every time the movie is on I change the channel as fast as i possibly can because i’ve seen it soo many times, but on Friday morning this past week I turned on the TV to find toy story being played and my heart sunk.
I feel like an error must have happened, I am sick, and Trevor wasn’t he was a healthy awesomely wildly random person who went to Heaven before we all knew what was going on…. I think an error happened because I’m sick, the doctors tell me all the time they don’t know how I’m alive and then someone like you die Trevor? It doesn’t sound fair.
This has to be an error around my life, because people like you and Greg, you guys were healthy and happy and had a good life to live and you could go for so long, but me I’m sick, we don’t know if I’m gonna live, we don’t know how to keep me alive, we don’t know if I will live years or just months. We don’t know if I am gonna be ok, but you had a life to live but for some reason you didn’t get the chance to live it. I am glad to live but I want to live in a world with you guys too.
I am not sad you’re gone, I’m sad for the people who you have left behind the people who will have to miss you, who will have to have holidays without you. Who will forget you’re not here and go to text or call you, I will feel sad for the that movie I saw that you would have liked, I will feel sad for your parents on your birthday for the holidays, for when toy story plays for the pokemon card I have in my dresser you gave me along with a note card grandma wrote to me. I will feel sad but only for a moment because emotions are meant to be felt, and I know that somewhere along the story of our lives you came in like a fireball and Trevor you never died down like fireball, stephie has fireball in the freezer and the face some of the people who take the shot of fireball remind me of the first time we went to aunt gale and uncle bud’s house after you and sadie had been adopted, there was this look of pure fear and like overwhelmingly love and like what do I do?!? From both Gale and Bud, but they got use to you and your craziness soon, don’t worry I always overwhelmed them normally. I remember I went on once about how white bread wasn’t good for so I therefore would not eat it. Your mom was confused why I just wouldn;t eat… I confused her more than you did so you always have that going if you don’t confuses people as much as Shay then you are doing good!!
One summer you guys came to the beach with us for like five days. One morning I had woke up before the sun and went to go on a walk somehow you heard me and asked me to go with me I said sure and to tell someone you were going with me you went and told your dad and then we went to walk on the dark beach that barely had any sun on it, the sand was cold and I had just my flip flops and a bag over my shoulder the bag held an epipen my inhaler and a 5 dollar bill. You didn’t even have your shoes with you, you lived life happily you got upset you had emotions you were smart you were random you talked and you knew what you wanted to say you got bored and you always got in trouble but it was ok, we liked you. You were weird and I liked that you came into the family I didn’t like being the only weird one, you came in and they were like ohh.. We all have a little weirdness in us… thanks for being that weird one with me.
I don’t know what I’m gonna do now when we get together as a family but I’m hooked up to IVs and medicines to keep me alive I’ve surpassed the weirdness and totally upped you… Trevor, see you soon, if you get bored totally come be a ghost around me, I’ve watched all the ghost hunters, note to self don’t watch them and then have a port put in your chest the next day.. Insane dreams..
Error 222 if It could have been me it would have been but it wasn’t we don’t know why we might never will, we will miss you and we will wish for you, but know that we got this. We are proud of you, I’m proud of your parents and your sister they are handling things wonderfully as are our aunts and uncles and grandparents and you know how they are handling it well? By showing emotions. By being upset, by saying they don’t know what to saying they don;t know what to do. They are being humans, and we all have deep emotions…